A Truthful Privacy Notice
You want privacy? Ha!
Are you getting bombarded with privacy notices lately? I am. Enough already! Here's my take on what a truthful privacy notice would say, with apologies to the Eagles.
TRUTHFUL PRIVACY NOTICE
You have NO PRIVACY. None. We know all about you. We know your past and your future. We know every embarrassing problem you’ve had, every stupid question you’ve asked the internet, and every strange thing you’ve uttered in front of your voice "assistant" (like it serves only you). We know that you still like the "Macarena." We know what you want, and we’ll creepily cyberstalk you with ads for it. We know you "have to" buy it when it’s "on sale."
We’ll gladly sell your personal information to anyone – even that robocall witch "Rachel from Card Services" – because that’s our business. And you’ll accept that because we’ve made you dependent on our services. Plus, you’re resigned to the fact that the only escape, short of death, is living in a cabin in Montana, like the Unabomber.
Not to worry, though. We’ll protect whatever data we can’t monetize … until we get hacked. Of course, we won’t tell you we were hacked ... until it leaks to the press. We’ll claim that we couldn’t say anything because we were still investigating whether we exposed 65 gazillion or 78 gazillion people. We’ll apologize but we'll remain vulnerable – talk is cheap and so are we.
Opt out, if you can figure out how. It won’t matter because we’re like the Hotel California. You can opt out any time you like. But you can never leave!